LTS DARE TO LIVE THE DREAM! do u dare to live yours?

LIVE THE DREAM: spotlights, camera, action and wtf!! big hairy prick mic!!

yes!
i was there yesterday - a Sunday. i went for the audition. it was the last day.
well, i didn't make it. but i was bold enough to go.
guide: uncle, ur turn next. standing on the silver marked box. hold ur number card. intro urself and the song u wanna sing. got it?
lts: yes...sure....ok
in i went holding the #card. they photoshot me like a convict. oh..the glaring spotlight. er...what's that hanging above huh??

oh my god!
a monstrous greyish ...hairy...pricky mic!!
judge 1: relax la uncle.... (woooh! i hated it when they called me that - UNCLE!)
judge 1: ya...leelax la....dun look at the prick..i mean the mic...leelax...u can sing anytime u r ready ok, uncle.... (shit! she called me that again....;9(

so i began....
LTS: hi everyone, my name is bob my er convict # is 12358...shit if u read it in canto..yat yi sum mmmh fa*..hahaha....;9( ( *1, 2, 3...whole life cannot prosper)
hahahahaha...they laughed....;9)
i continued: i would like to sing I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO.....hey!..wait!...i know u!!...u r dunno what HUSSEIN...champion in old old talentime, right?
shit! my old old already offended HUSSEIN....she smiled wryly: ok bob,...(smiled rather strangely)...anytime u r ready...belt it out.....(weak smiled)...
judge1: ann...
lts: huh?...what where got ant??
judge1:...no ANN!....oh...neber mind...just sing!
oh dear!!....i offended 2 judges at one go. she was ann hussein!
LTS: oh ya!!...ANN HUSSIEN!!....i participated in the talentime u were in...about 20+ years ago!!!...u won the contest, right...right???....(all eager now).
judge2: ya..ya...hehehe...(weak embarrassed laughter..meaning i had unwittingly told everyone there she was already a lau cha bor! i had rubbed acid into her wound. shit! still i blur blur..;9(
so...i closed my eyes. briefly meditated...and sang..
I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO....*blank off!*
hell!! i forgot the lyrics...after CISCO...mati lah!!!......;9(

heck care la!...just belt it all out! finally i finished the song. i knew i was done for it too.
a cute mei mei guided me to the result room. hell! i needed a leak! off i zoomed to the gents...and ..and...wtf! not

the toilet was bloody remote. when i entered, a hunk was singing his wank...wait!...wanking his song??...what the fuck did he think he was doing!!??
he smiled bashfully at me...zipped up and zoomed out! after i released my frothy niagra fall, i too zipped up and zoomed back to the result room and waited aniticipatingly.
numbers by numbers were called. those called first were have to F off. they didn't make it. i was still sitting there. my # 12358 not called yet..hehehehe....;9)
i was in ecstasy too early...
12358...sorry, u din make it.
oh shit!...i knew it!! ok lor, my turn to F off....;9(

TOA PAYOH HUB LIVE STAGE

i exited from the audition room and headed to TOA PAYOH HUB where there was a stage.
a lame guy who just sang in the audition was up there talking to the chiobu compere.
lame guy: i would like to dedicate this song to my wife over there...my in laws there..and there...and yes...my baby boy..there...and my dog there..blah..blah..blah
compere: stop!...NO MORE THERE!! tell us what u wanna sing ?
lame guy: oh sorry...elvis' ARE U LONESOME TONITE!
wow lau! when he sang, all my goosepimples stood out...better than the coldest air cond! oh my god!!!
compere: hahahah....er..that was er...pretty good...thank u lame guy!....who's next....oh we have a cute little girl..what's ur song
little girl: u dun ve to say u love me
compere: ok..i dun say i love u..ehehehehe...hit it girl!
wow! this little girl is really little but her voice was really powerhouse! after her song, there was round of applause. everyone loved it!
compere: look what we have here...hi!..what's ur name
reply: ah seng...but hor..u can hor called me jason..
compere: ok hor..jason hor...what u wanna see for us hor...?
jason: TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
audience burst out laughing...no joke! that was the song he actually sang...and all the lyrics ....ALL WRONG!!!
the appreciative audience and compere sang along with him. it was all in good fun...cos we realised this cute young man was actually a subnormal intelligent person. quite handsome but hiazz...too bad.
and who's next??
ME OF COURSE!!!...zoom.....up i went on stage in a jiffy!....;9)

LTS WENT TO LTD

actually i was standing among the crowd. suddenly there was a light tap on my shoulder. a LIVE THE DREAM guide smiled at me and said: uncle, u go up and sing la...u powderful man!
LTS: huh?...u know me meh?
LTD guy: yes uncle (shit! not UNCLE, again!!), we watch ur video just now in the audition...u were the uncle who said u bought a $10 shirt just for this right...hehehehe....
LTS: oh yes...so how?...i forgot the lyrics..shit!
LTD guy: neber mind la, uncle...u go up after this retarded joker ok...
and there i was standing on stage with this chiobu cute compere. i shook her soft hand.
compere: hi uncle....(omg, UNCLE again!!)....how r u?
LTS: not very good dear...i was at the audition...and hell! i forgot my lyrics...
compere: oh what a shame!...what song did u sing?
LTS: i left my heart in san francisco.....
compere: hahahaha...poor uncle...u din left ur heart la...u left the lyrics there..hahahaha...
LTS: ya hor..hahahaha....
compere: so how?....
LTS: so huh?...i beri the beh kum guan...u know...and ur boy down there edged me to come up and sing it again lor
compere: ok uncle...we let u kum guan kum guan..hahahah..hit it uncle! ( uncle!! i felt like hitting her instead!)
LTS sang: I LEFT....MY HEART.....IN SAN FRANCISCO....UP ON A HILL, IT CALLS TO ME.......
....upon the high....and windy sea (very high note)
*APPLAUSE* from the audience. i was pleasantly surprised and continued:
...YOUR GOLDEN SUN....WILL SHINE FOR ME........................(dragged and dragged..and dragged until faded.....{i very long winded u know so i could drag very long....;9)
*LOUDER APPLAUSE*...;9)
compere: steady uncle!!!....please collect the souvenir before u go....
so i went down the staircase.
compere shouted: hey uncle...!!!! dun go with my mic!!!...
so i ran back up again to return her mic..hahahaha....;9)
and it was a very satisfying experience. a deja vu 20+ yrs ago when i auditioned for TALENTIME with my guitar slinged behind my back...
i should have brought along my guitar. it would be even more interesting.
well, there went my LIVE THE DREAM...or rather my chance at the $40K grand prize...;9)

conluding part to my FUCKING TIEN LORS

in my goldfish bowl, i still got a surviving tien lor. it's bigger now. hell, it's very greedy. it has eaten many water hyacinths which i hv thrown it.
the latest one was gnawed until it was left with half a spongy leaf. luckily, i got a free supply from the temple's pond where water hyacinths grown like weeds!
i untied the plastic bag on reaching home and unload the 4 japanese tien lors into the water. the one that i have was still gnawing at the remnant of the last figment of water hyacinth leaf.
i fed my 2 goldfishes with a special fine pellet fish food. as the pellets decended into the bottom, the snails were stimulated into action.
they crawled out from the shell and were feeding frenzily. they must be damn hungry!.
i just left them there.....
a few hours late, it was night fall. i heard 'clink..clank..clank'. oh shit! i panic and thought the snails were crawling out from the bowl again and escaping.
these critters were quite smart u know. they would crawl out of the bowl and crawled everywhere. they would play hide and seek with u. when u found them, they crasped very firmly to the surface. u need quite a force to pull them out and throw them back into the bowl.
that was what happen last time when i had a pair. one crawled out and must have felled, cracked its shell and helplessly i got to steam and eat it up cos the shell was broken. it couldn't live for long with a broken shell.....;9(
no. this bunch was quite disciplined. they didn't crawl out but there over each other. my god! they were FUCKING each other. it was like a wild orgy. the 5 clambered over each other.
i noticed a proboscis kind of probe ejecting out from the side of the shell and sticking into another snail. they were squirting sperms.
the water was turned quite murky and milky.yes, it must be mating season!!
one would climb on top of the rest, slipped and fell..and 'clank' and 'clink' were heard....it was really a very whimsical sight.....;9)
what did my 2 goldfish doing?...well, they were also fucking each other. one nudging the backside of the other...then the other would nudge back....what an orgy nite in the goldfish bowl!

the extra snails i got from cb or chubby cute boss was actually a request from my cid pal.
he owned a very large koi pond. the algae was growing furiously and when he saw my goldfish bowl so spick and span from algae, he also wanted some japanese water snails.
as promised, i finally got them for him. and i really couldn't stand the murky sperm milky water.
i hastened him to come and get his tien lors...or else...yes or else! they would be dinner for me!
and he came....

well, the tien lors after having an orgasmic fucking session with all their cum spewed all over the water were resting now.
their shells were tight tucked. they were immobilised.
here came my cid pal. i told him to pick the snails himself. just leave 2 for me would be suffice.
hell!...the snails were stucked very very tightly to the wall of the goldfish bowl. he couldn't pull them apart!
as he was doing the pulling, my horny pair of goldfish swam up to nibble his arms.
he was startled and quickly withdrew his submerged hand and yelled: ur bloody snails bit me!!...got poison or not?
LTS: hahahaha...u damn damn lame leh!...my goldfishes bit u la..u so scare!
i immersed my gentle hand, stroked the tien lors lovingly...and off it detached and sank to the botton of the bowl. cling...clang...cling.... a pair was stucked together hotly bonking away. i picked up both of it and gave them to him telling him that if they bred, remembered to return me some for my dinning table..hahahaha.....;9)
hence, i siphoned and changed the murky spermy water. oh, i din waste any water.
the sperm contaminated water was used to water my plants. i think my plants would lover those extra hormonal boost...hahaha.....;9)

story ends. cute and funny?

i remembered my promise to my cid pal that i would get him some japanese tien lor or the water escargot.
i told my pal i need to get some snails. we went to the aquariums diplay outside where they had an array assortment of live seafood.
there at the highest level tank - my jap escargots! how lucky could i be! today it was half priced!
there wasn't anyone around. me being a garang bold goon climbed up with plastic bags to help myself.
then a voice yelled from my back: HEY!!!...WHAT ARE U DOING UP THERE!!??

I turned. there below was a cute chubby guy. looked like the boss to me.
i almost reached my escargot tanks. just a couple of steps. but there on the wall, it warned:
DO NOT STEP BEYOND THIS POINT. WARNING: SLIPPERY FLOOR
oh well, i descend.
LTS, turning on my charm at the chubby boss: sorry, no one here to entertain me...i wanna buy tien lor....there up there in that highest tank. (pointed my finger to the highest spot)
cb (chubby boss not ur that ok): how many kilo u want?
LTS: huh?...kilo?..u joiking is it?...i need only 4 or 5 snails...i need it to graze away the algae of my fishtank...very good and efficient algae removers u know...
cb: huh, lei yao mo kor cho?....(u something wrong is it?)
LTS: dui mm chui...sorry ya...last time i got 2 here...but one committed suicide. it climbed out of the tank and fell. the shell cracked and it kwa chor..(means died)
cb:.....haahahahahaha....so how many u want now?
LTS: er...4 will do lah...half price right?
cb:...no!...half price u eat here. take away live of dead is only less 30%...how still want?
LTS: ok lor...(smiled and shoot bak at him lovingly.....;9)
cb called one of the chinaman worker to climb up and get me 4 snails. after that he tied it up neatly and passed to me.
LTS: kei tor chin...how much?
cb: mmm kan yew...peh lei lor...hahaha....(smiled)
LTS: tor chay sai.!!!...thank you very much (one last shoot bak at him....;9)
cb gave me the snails..FREE OF CHARGE!!....

MY FUCKING JAP TIEN LOR PART 2

MY FUCKING JAP TIEN LOR PART 2

one of my squatting pal visited me yesterday. he was quite depresssed and appetiteless. well, me just striked lst prize, 3rd prize and ibet last saturday.
i suggested we lunched at ah yat at turf city cos a bitch recently bragged she treated to some losers gang there with 'abalone'.
wonder did she treated them to the half priced dim sum and later let them had her own personal 'abalone and sharksfin'...hahaha....;9)
anyway, the chiohunk capt VINCENT was still there. ever the cheerful, warm and friendly hkie.
vincent: hi, leng chai....how many persons?
lts: just 2...this my pal.. (exchanged smiles and greetings).
lts: did an evil bag of bones came to dine here with a bunch of losers recently and order sharksfin and abalone?
vincent: ???....what friends u talking...if u mean ur laukuaybus gang and aunties...yes...they came very often almost every saturday...
lts: no la....skinny small ratty eyes UGLY BITCH....
vincent: dunno leh...
today, he recommended the hk noodle in braised beef biskets and tedons...DAMN DAMN SHIOK!
my pal just loved it!...and of course we ordered other dim sums...the po lo bao or pineapple baked bun with charsiew filllings was damn super too. he loved that. in fact he loved everything that i ordered....
soon we finished everything and he insisted paying for it cos he enjoyed it very much.
he enjoyed the food or he enjoyed my company. or because of my company that he enjoyed the food.
anyway, like i told him before coming there. i footed the bill so cheap!...ordered so many things and not even $30!!...hahahaha....;9)