should i or shouldn't i write the real happenings of my own devlish and horny father...a real devil himself with the horns....still alive and keeping...and still machinegunning down spider spirits internationally....unlike my dead cock stand neighbour lau han koo aka the block tang bo hu....
mine is the international artillery man of lust....the james bond...the rolanto...the name rolanto lau han koo lee....spider spirits are my game and machine gunning is my name....hahaha....
how ah...should i start?.....ok i get 3 tickets or requests...i will write...if not i keep that private to myself.

THE BIRTH OF GOONIE LEETAHSAR

In this beautiful tranquil kampong called BANSIEWSAN, there lived a very cute demure girl, mama girl - this would be my eventual yee lai chan mum. a few attap houses away, there was this suave guy - the young james bond - that would be my eventual horny devilish father lau han koo rolanto lee....ok lah, haven't upgraded yet to lau han koo...just rolanto lee.
the man as it was got killer eletrocuting eyes which very pai seh i inherited that one from him. very handsome...pai seh me too. very suave, er...me too hor if i rid the sparetyre. killer hunk body...i luv to add "me too" but pai seh...wait a bit more already reduced 8 kg of fat away.
he was the ahem...rose of the kampong. plenty of girls swooning over him. he resembled the era popular hk actor chang yang. if u know who this chap is, u would have seen my old man.
mama girl was a plain jane. one of the swooner of rolanto lee. since she was staying the nearest to him, she got priority to him lor.so they dated much to the intense objection of grandmama girl - the most enterprising mum of mums in this kampong....and one of the more influential and rich woman. that would be my mum's mum or my grandma.
as fate had its way and affinity for the 2 lovebirs. by hook and by crook, they married. that started the production of leetahsar....namely me in the process.
10 months later, i was born. a baby boy with a very feeble body. rolanto lee's mum was a gambler. in bansiewsan, nobody dares offend her. she was notorious and fierce. u make her angry, she chased u...if merciful with broomstick...if unmerciful with a big parang.every household had a big parang. we needed that to chop woods from the nearby forest...that would be Mt Faber.
whatever household money rolanto lee gave to grandma lee, she would gamble all away... so mama lee (now married to take to hubby's surname) would go hungry without food. luckily grandma girl (mum's mum) gave mama a few chickens to rear. and thankfully the chickens produced some eggs which were the staples for my mum....if not, boy, maybe i wouldn't even be born.
so here i was a feeble sickly baby. full of problems. 1 week could sick at least 3 times. can u imagine how distress my mum was...a first time mother and such hell i was giving her....sorry lah, mum...u din add sufficient and te kong ingredients into ur tummy when u were carrying me....so wasn't my fault but ur cause and effect....

during this time, when i was just born with still the navel cord attached, rolanto lee was already growing horns...and horny he indeed was! he would neglect mama and me. he would rather visit once awhile some red light district or patronised some bar with bar-hostess sitting on his lap and u know maybe exciting his bloodhound.
this horny young man then or barely thirty with peak hormonal surges even went to the extend of stealing dowries like ring from mama to splurge on those spirit spirit aka bar hostess...poor mama lee only found out when she needed money to buy chinese berbs to brew for her weak post-pregnancy boody. she was actually secretly pawning her dowries grandmama girl gave her.
u may ask how cum rolanto lee or gambler grandma din give mama lee any money? u were right. cos they din. rolanto lee gave only to his own mother, gambling grandma and any extra he spent on himself and his spider spirit gf. mama lee...well she only had her chickens' egg.
when she needed extra money to buy herbs to brew tonic soup for herself, she realised one of her red ruby ring which grandmama girl give was missing from her drawer.
just as she was pondering over the missing ruby ring, grandmama girl came a visiting, bringing with her tonic soup. goodness! heaven blessed mama. problem and headache solved for her. she gotta nourished herself, if not baby me got no breast milk to suck on.
while grandmama girl prepared the tonic into a bowl for mama to consume, standing at the main door stared the very envious gambling grandma. she was fuming and angry when she saw mama having such good tonic soup. she started to suan...remarked sarcastically at grandmama girl. "Wow, ching kay (in-law), u berry the clever hor, teach ur daughter to sup sup good good tonic food....if she good wife, should leave it for my slogging son to drink instead hor..."
of course, granny girl sure bei song lah (unhappy), she retorted: "ching kay ah, dun say like that leh....i look after my daughter..also look after ur son hor...if daughter falls sick, who's going to do all the housework and cook for u all... u everyday so busy....free go gambling...lost only go quarrelling with every one...free some...u take parang and go chase some one...."
with that reply, gambling grandma got cock stuck in the mouth and gong gong just stared and shuddup. after granny girl went back to tend to her enterprising makeshift stall where she sold a lot of knicks and knacks, gambling grandma started her bullying of mama lee.
"U suay charbo...very clever huh. go and tell ur mum i torture u is it!?....u bloody hell make know ok...in china hor, woman only work and dun eat good food, ok...if u pine mian (bad life), the husband also can hammer u like sandbag hor...u dun pray pray with me ok!!" she threatened mama lee which normally would send her crying in silent in a cold dark damp corner....poor mama lee, as though the insult wasn't enough....and i had to start yelling my lung out...hungry lah, feed me time, u know...what to do...me still baby what.
the same night, rolanto lee came back from work. mama lee prepared the dinner. after which cleared the table, washed the dishes and settle down to listen to her favorite radio: LEI DA SOR TIEN KIU HAR KONG KU.....kum lei....siong yat qi...kong doa......
she lowered the volume suddenly and couldn't contain her curiosity, she asked rolanto lee, "ro, did u take and wear my red ruby ring?""what girl, what r u saying? what red ruby ring...? i got give u red ruby ring meh?" rolanto lee replied, playing blurred.
"No, ro...mum gave that to me...u din see meh...the one with the big fake ruby...but the gold around it real one, hor..." mama lee said.
"aiyah...dun come bother me with this sort of nonsense....i very tired u know....want to make love or not..." he cut her off the conversation. so off the light....and the floorshow began.....no details pls...me still under 18yrs then. baby only, hor.
and of course, we know where that mama lee's fake red ruby ring with real gold went to....one of the spider spirit's finger....courtesy gift from rolanto james bond lee......

just had lunch with sibeikang....i m detouring from the story for this more important turn of event of sibeikang...
he's now back with chinchiagong. so it's a blissful reunion for his small family with cute son. just now over lunch, i was sadden by what sibeikang revealed to me. he told me that his wifey wanted him to refrain mixing with me....how could this be? i asked sibeipine...i am like ur marriage counsellor...how cum chiajiagong like that want huh?
??????yes question marks were floating like the flies hovering my head....i just couldn't understand. i mean if sibeikang won't mix with me than she rather he goes mix up with his spider spirits gang again issit? no wonder i called her chiajiagong. i think she's jealous that sibeipine looks up to me as his big brother...or mentor...or some one more special than her.....
so in order not to make sibeikang difficult to do things...i told him then dun mix up with me lor...it's ok one what. i remind him again his 2 very important things in his life: 0NE - his wife; and TWO - his son.....the rest...me included is not important. if he wants to discard, he discards. it's ok with me.....seriously. our affinity should have already been ended like 3 yrs ago on the departure of fantasi choobeebee....the ex gf of sibeipine, his younger brother and using me as sparetyre bf who i myself is going to be history pretty soon this coming x'mas.
i just realised why people choose to be bad. even if they r good, others will misinterpret or jealous and treat him as bad too....so if u bad, at least when people treat u so, u kay gian...like well-deserved it lor....but if u good, and people look at u and take u for bad....then quite unfair to u right....
but people....we do things not to please others....we do things within our mindful conscience. if we do good and if other misunderstand u, that's their problems not mine....so continue to be good for goodness sake...HEY!...hit it...:
u better be good, u better don't cry,u better be good,i'm telling u why....santa claus is coming to town.....
so girls and guys....remember be good for goodness sake!

now back to our story.....
COCKADODADOO....!that would be the rooster that turned out from one of mama's chicks. it was our alarm clock. never failed to wake mama lee to start off her very early morning chores...like 5 a.m. everyday.
she would start the day chopping some firewoods for the stove. boiled water and transferred into thermoflasks. then boiled 2 eggs from her chickens brood for rolanto lee. next wake up rolanto who was still orgasmic from last night overtime affair of the heart. then she would do the laundry. what about gambling granny, you may ask? well, she was still sleeping from her overtime gambling last night till dawn....
when everything done, it was my turn to irritate her. how? by yelling my lung out again....feeding time for me. hurriedly, she dumped the laundry she was hanging half way and went back to the house to cuddle me and breast fed me....ga..ga..goo..googoo.ga..mama..i suddenly blurted out. wow...mama lee was thrilled...i had just spoken my first word and called her mama. she was so happy for that day. it was priceless! and she carried me all the way to see granny girl to share with her the joy......

soon i was 1 yr old. mama lee had ballooned up again. any moment now and she would bomb kk or kandang kerbau hospital...the female hospital where all the pregnant women went there to bomb the hospital with their babies....hahaha...what a way to put it....;9)

ya...mama lee had bombed the KK hospital with a newborn girl. in about a couple of days, she was back home resting. granny girl was very loving and concerned about mama. she instructed her daughter-in-law...that would be my ah kim to come cook for my family, feed and bath me so that mama lee could rest. the other gambling granny....well she was still gambling the day and night away. and when free quarrel with the next unlucky fella or worst do her joggin exercise chasing the even more suay guy with big parang all over the kampong...hahahaha....
it was very humanly warm during my kampong days....people were poor and deprived then. but it seemed happier and more tranquil. poor as we were, there wasn't any worries about medical fees, school fees...milk money...etc....the gov provided all. a roving nurse was even sent to clean and health check my baby sis and mum regularly like 2 or 3 times per week. and even poor as she was, mama lee would dig deep into her purse to give the nurse $2 each time she came....an appreciation for her kindness and effort and for her bus fare....see the human warm that was present during that era.
the nurse would also bring along milk powder for me and some supplements for mum. she would also check me up too. i was a really very very feeble baby. like i dun wish to be born the type u know....like 7 days a weeks...i spent at least 4 days sick or longer.
soon mama lee was able to be on her feet again. she was working again as early as 5 am. with 2 babies, her hands were really tied. what did gambling granny did. nothing. still the same. gambling, quarreling and paranging. mama lee was really having a tough tough time. this hand she stuck a bottle into me, that hand she held my baby sis to her breast to suckle. she was like the thousand arms guan yin....
you may ask...what about rolanto lee, the father. well, the horny devil was having flings with spider spirits in bars after work. surprisingly, the missing fake ruby ring was suddenly back in mama lee's drawer. a mystery only maybe my devilish old man knew.
luckily, we got a godsend neighbour who had a very deligent, bright, hardworking and helpful girl. she saw my mum's plight. so normally after school, she would just come over and help out mama lee. if not for her, i think hor my mum would have gone bonko long ago...u know crazy...and so that was how the days went by.....with the help of my neigbhour girl...ah eng. but she had passed away since...poor girl died a few yrs back from cancer....and she was such a good good person....as i wrote until here..i can't help to shed a river of niagra falls for ah eng....if not for her....i won't be here today....nor my other 3 sisters and that foolish carrot lee.
ah eng jie....so sorry i couldn't one way or another repay ur compassionate kindness and care and love u gave us during our childhood day in the kampong....i can only now do a simple chanting for u....may ur kind compassionate soul returns to the western paradise and remains there for eternity....thank u ah eng jie for everything that u had done to me...my mum and my brother and sisters....thank u very very much....
pretty soon i was able to walk. then ran. then climbed my tall guava tree. i was like about 5 yrs old already when i first started climbing up the tree to pluck the deliciously sweet pink guavas which were growing abundant. almost everyday there were so many to pluck. my guava tree also attracted many kinds of birds...and some very beautiful and tiny songbirds to feed on its nectar fruits.
then there the hens, the rooster and the many chicks to play and chase after. by then, there was already a brood of siblings...1 brother and 3 sisters. i being the eldest of the gang.
our happy childhood days were filled with fun and fond memories. we would play in the longkangs to catch fishes. when it rains, lagi shiok. the wide longkang would overflow. then we could even swim in it. the main long longkang was actually a natural stream flowing down from Mt Faber. the water was crystal clear and was natural mineral water. there were plenty of fishes...like guppies, mollies and even goramis. the longkang flowed to the sea which was the keppel sea. s sometimes when it overflowed during rainy days, there were even greenish sea snakes swimming inside. if we happened to be swimming in there, the moment we see the green water serpents, every kids would start screaming and quickly jumped out of the longkangs as fast as we could....it was a hilarious sight which sent the adults into a laughing frenzy....hahaha...
soon i attended the village kindagarten and learn to read chinese. learned to play lots of childish games....some of the children songs, up till now i could still remember. it was fun. the memories still embedded deep within my grey matter......
then it was time to proceed to a primary school. the school i attended had a even more weird name: BATU BERLAYER PRIMARY SCHOOL. it was jokingly known to the children as batu buah kaya school. there i had my primary education.
i was always in the top 3 for my grade for the whole school. and i was blessed with an angelic voice...serious not exaggerating. every year children day sure u would see me singing for the whole school.
then i remembered when i was in primary 4, the school sent me to be auditioned by the SINGAPORE BOYS CHOIR...now known as the SINGAPORE YOUTH CHOIR. and i got accepted into the choir. only me out of the whole BATU BUAH KAYA SCHOOL.
you know how grand i was or not. a teacher was assigned to send me to the choir practice once a week. he gotta drive me there like my personal driver. after the practice ended, he gotta come pick me up and return me to the school.
and i almost landed my first plump public performance role as my god....SNOW WHITE. I was supposed to be snow white. a girl wearing a gown or skirt. i told the trainer i didn't want to do it. so they obliged and i ended up as one of the dwarfs. at least better then wearing skirt. guess which dwarf i acted...none other then goofey...the goon one.
then after that performance, we practice for another. it was already a year past. this time it was ALADDIN AND THE MAGIC LAMP. u guess it! they wanted me to be the princess this time. shit! why hah i was wondering...why always chose me to act in such feminine role. i told them dun want. i realise why cos i got the biggest roundest electrocuting eyes. no wonder they kept picking me. helpless since i din want to take the part, they threw me to act as one of the nondescript servantboys doing the laundry. ok, lor....still better than having to wear a bikini with exaggerated fake boobies and shake ur bom bom infront of a large live audience...in every performances, i was given free tickets for my family members to attend. pa, mum and the whole brood of siblings would come and see me performed. so proud of myself!
then there were many choir performances to do. i was trained to sing in a soprano voice. my little boy's voice was still as sweet as honey.and kampong neighbours got to know of my natural talents....every night quite often i would give live perform in my house compound...and many people came to see me performed...of course free of charge. i even threw in my own style of dancing.....so cute and so funny come to think of it now....;9)

....and that was how my childhood days were spent. pretty soon, the bulldozers came. seem that i can never be freed from bulldozers since childhood. when i ran my gardens doing my honest to goodness plants business, the bulldozer came. it came not once. i shifted 4 times....and it came avisit 4 times. the last time that's it. I QUIT! AND RETIRED! and started writing UPHEAVAL OF LEETAHSAR STORIES for u.....
so the bulldozer came and tore down the attap house i was born. uprooted my abundance guava tree. tore down my fenced compound. and all other many years old trees that watched me grew was also destroyed within hours.
i just completed my primary six. i was so so sad cos i had to abandon my cute white rabbits with pinkish eyes, my multi-colored trained guinea pigs, my duck that always followed me to the longkang, the whole brood of chickens especially the alarm clock rooster...and my faithful pal, my pariah mongrel blackie....it was heart wrenching for me.....mama lee with ah eng took all the caged pets and set free in Mt faber. as for the chickens, *sniff* they ended up on the table and so was my follwer duck...but i just couldn't bring myself to eat any of the fowl dishes....*sniff*....but my most most heartaching was to forsake blackie....my faithful dog which i had as a little pup. it pained me until today....i wonder what was her fate.....poor blackie!
the bloody gov only compensated us miserably. it was liked only $3 per fruit bearing tree and like 50c a square foot of the area we lived in. the amount we were paid was barely enough to pay for the resettled 3 rms hdb flat which i m still staying until now in queenstown.
however, if u compare to the current prices, the value is even more obscene. we originally bought ours at less than 8K....and now it was like 200K+. sinkietown hdb prices are getting crazier by the years.
so there u have it....THE BIRTH OF GOONIE LEETAHSAR......hope u have fond memories of ur childhood days too. just can't understand why cannot the gov leaves some of the more authentic and good kampungs alone...and let the new generation has a taste of the wonderful kampong living....
do ur children know how to climb a tree? no...scare fall down. do ur children dare to jump into a flooded longkang and swim inside? no ...scare drowning. do ur children ever shot down a bird on the tree? no....what about catching spiders and lizards and squirrels and bats and butterflies and yes...tiger beetles and crickets and pit them fighting against each other? no...no...no...and make catapults by cutting down the tree branches?..and make those elastic wooden guns and then using the casuarina spiky pine fruits as bullets? go to the sea and catch crabs...hermit crabs...fishes...pick corals...seashells? a big NO!
now u ask what my children really have or done? nothing much except getting pampered and spending money like nobody business. come to think of it, we made our own toys when small....u know what we used to brighten my nightly singing performance. we punctured holes in condensed milk tin can and stick a lighted candle inside and we placed many of it around my "stage" and that was it. so bright and warm....so cute! and if we tied a string to it, it became our portable touchlight....we needed this very necesary gadget especially visiting the public lavatories which were like a few attap houses away walking through a dark winding eerie clay path....and u used this tin can light as the light for ur poo poo while in the lightless wooden holey stinky toilets. when u finished ur business, the stench sticked onto ur clothings. it continued to stink for hours before the evil odor finally dissipated.
there u ve it....a vivid description of kampong living....priceless. none of the modern way of living can beat it....give me one more chance, i would love to re-live my kampong life once more....;9)